The grammar isn't terrible, some of it could've maybe been typos, I didn't make a reference to each word you spelled wrong or anything, I'm just saying that if you sent this in to anyone for review they would dismiss it for the smallest grammar errors. You have to come across as professional and every little thing has to come across as thought out and important to the story. As for what you have here being 20 to 25 minutes long I don't see how. Is this just an abridged version of the first 20 minutes of what you have written thus far? Have you written it in a cliff's notes sort of way just so we could see where you're going without having to read 20 pages?