DanielSavage
Flesh Eater
Reged: 09/25/03
Posts: 1197
Loc: West Virginia
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Smoke Signals
Fade in:
We see wilderness from an aerial viewpoint. The sun is setting in the distance. Mountainous terrain is all that can be seen in any direction. Numerous streams serpentine throughout the valleys, they are concealed in many places by massive evergreens and dense thickets of brush. Vaguely in the background a radio transmission can be heard.
Radio Voice:
Reports of the airborne virus are coming in from every corner of the globe. Military personnel have been dispatched in large urban areas as the president has now declared martial law in all large U.S. cities.
Aerial viewpoint:
We now see a plume of smoke in the distance beyond a ridgeline on the horizon. A large group of deer are standing at a stream to drink directly below.
Radio Voice:
We are now receiving word that the death toll in Pittsburgh is estimated to hit the 250,000 mark as the government ordered evacuation was impeded by a huge number of infected civilians. The air strike is being called a disaster of epic proportions.
Aerial viewpoint:
Coming over the ridge we now see the source of the smoke that’s billowing thick and grey. A small cabin can be seen, it’s completely surrounded on all sides by a crude fence made of logs of different circumference. Bodies, both human and animal lie around the fence in varying levels of decomposition. The camera spirals downward into the roof.
Fade out:
Title text appears on the screen for a few seconds and then fades away.
Radio Voice:
We are now turning over to the emergency broadcast system. God be with us.
This is just the opening segment. What do you guys think of it?
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We won't crawl on our knees for you...
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MojoNexus
Flesh Eater
Reged: 10/22/01
Posts: 1077
Loc: Manhattan, KS USA
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Granted, I don't know where it goes from here, it may make perfect sense in the big picture scheme of things, but it feels too much like a homage to films we already know. You write well, but the hard work is taking the reader or the viewer somewhere new or different.
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Lick my plate...
Mojo
My DVD collection!
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DanielSavage
Flesh Eater
Reged: 09/25/03
Posts: 1197
Loc: West Virginia
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The entire story revolves around a group of three people who have been living in the cabin for almost five years. I know that the limited amount of dialouge that's present has been done many times before but that's the point. My little story could be taking place during any number of movies that you've seen a thousand times. I'm not trying to add anything to the formula. I'm only trying to make a droplet of it my own. At this point in time I'm almost 50 pages in and overall I'm pleased with it. I didn't want to post too much of it because I was afraid noone would bother reading it. I sincerely thank you for the compliment on my writing ability.
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We won't crawl on our knees for you...
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